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March 27, 2015

Tips for Top Gear’s Humiliated Host

3.27 jaime

You’ve got to love the Brits — for many reasons I won’t delve into for the sake of time — but in particular for their ability to dryly poke fun at themselves in the face of the biggest faux pas.

If you’ve been following the Top Gear scandal culminating in the legendary Jeremy Clarkson’s contract not being renewed, I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s been just begging for a pithy crisis comms op-ed. Piers Morgan provided just that in a highly entertaining but also un-ironically honest and salient open letter to Jeremy in The Daily Mail.

The two were longtime “frenemies” having somewhat famously been in a 10-year feud sparked by Morgan (then the editor of The Daily Mirror) publishing compromising photos of Clarkson with a woman who was not his wife. Things came to a dramatic head when Clarkson punched Morgan at the National Press Awards in 2004, and several vitriolic episodes followed in the years since. In his open letter, however, Piers Morgan divulges that they finally came to a truce last summer.

With the backstory in mind, Morgan’s column provides equal parts sincere advice and sardonic wit. The much-maligned Morgan half-jokes: “Speaking as something of an expert in the genre of being removed from high profile media jobs, I feel uniquely qualified to offer some advice.” But behind the (sometimes slightly brutal) barbs at Clarkson lies a good amount of genuine and salient advice gleaned from Morgan’s own experiences such as his mortifying dismissal from CNN, when his attempt to fill Larry King’s shoes was, inescapably, a total failure. I highly recommend reading the whole list but among his disarmingly sincere suggestions, Morgan advises:

  • “Get on a plane, fly somewhere remote and hot, turn your phone off, crack open a few bottles of your favourite Rose wine, and lie on a beach
  • Don’t accept any new job for a while. You’ll be amazed at both who does and who doesn’t ring with offers. Regardless of this deplorable incident, you remain a very gifted broadcaster
  • Issue a public statement confirming you’re not actually dead
  • Do normal things again, like sending a letter. I hadn’t posted my own mail for 11 years when I was sacked from the Mirror, so had absolutely no idea that self-adhesive stamps had come into existence until I tried to lick the back of one and it stuck to my tongue.
  • Avoid the overwhelming temptation to slag off [read: ‘diss’] your former bosses. It just makes you look petty and bitter.
  • Keep your temper when drunken louts mock you in the street. Let’s face it, you’ve been one yourself.”

And my personal favorite:

  • “Don’t even think about launching a new career in America. Your teeth will never work over here.”

I couldn’t help but crack a smile several times at the fun Morgan pokes at himself and the very publicly embarrassing situations he’s found himself in, and I admired the sensible, sound advice he proffered.

In closing, Morgan reminds Clarkson that while being sacked is awful (he can’t help rather acerbically comparing it to the tragedy of the departure of Zayn from boy band One Direction), there are far more terrible things happening in the world, like the truly terrible Germanwings crash resulting in the deaths of all 150 on board. The fact that he chose an open letter to deliver his words of wisdom is a reminder that old habits die hard for the previously publicly feuding duo, but try as he might, Morgan can’t quite conceal a little bit of empathy.

(Photo: “Jeremy Clarkson” by flickr user Daniel Gorecki via Attribution 2.0 License)